


Fighting for Revival

by xo_marauders



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxious Sirius, Black Family Sucks, Dissociation, James Potter is a Good Friend, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Platonic Cuddling, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, sad Sirius, they're brothers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:22:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22388635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xo_marauders/pseuds/xo_marauders
Summary: It had been a year, officially. A year since he had left home and moved in with the Potters. And Sirius still found himself forgetting that he wasn’t back there with them. He still woke up in the middle of the night, afraid of the monsters lurking in the dark. He still flinched whenever Euphemia went to kiss his cheek or Fleamont patted his shoulder. His anxiety from growing up in such a place continued to haunt him even though he had escaped and probably always would.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin (hinted)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 128





	Fighting for Revival

**Author's Note:**

> (TW: anxiety attack/panic attack)   
> protect yourselves

Sirius was lying on floor of the guest bedroom—his bedroom—in the Potter mansion, staring up at the ceiling illuminated by the moonlight and clutching a bright decorative pillow to his chest. He had been sitting there for several hours, just examining the ceiling and the different patterns displayed above him. He tried to follow some of them a few times, but then his mind would drift off once more and he’d have to refocus, searching again for another pattern to ground himself. 

He thought about wandering into James’ room and his grip on the pillow tightened. James was probably asleep right now. It was the middle of the night, after all. Sirius himself was supposed to be in bed but the high thread count sheets had felt too familiarly expensive and scratchy against his skin, so he moved to the floor. 

It had been a year, officially. A year since he had left home and moved in with the Potters. And Sirius still found himself forgetting that he wasn’t back there with them. He still woke up in the middle of the night, afraid of the monsters lurking in the dark. He still flinched whenever Euphemia went to kiss his cheek or Fleamont patted his shoulder. His anxiety from growing up in such a place continued to haunt him even though he had escaped and probably always would. 

It was especially bad at the moment as Sirius felt the phantom pains of last years torture crawl up his body. The damage that had caused him to flee in the first place. He squeezed his eyes shut, urging himself to block out the memories but to no avail. Walburga’s fingernails felt ever present against his throat coupled with the feeling of Orion’s steel boots permanently pressed against his ribs. 

He took in a few shallow breaths, his throat closing up suddenly and it was only then that he realized he was shaking. Remus had told him the meaning of this once, back in their dorm room at school after he had found Sirius in a similar state. A panic attack is what he had called it. And then he asked Sirius to follow his breathing. 

Remus wasn’t here now, though. Nobody was, and so Sirius forgot how to breathe altogether. His vision started going fuzzy, but Sirius thought that was easier than trying to follow those endless patterns on the ceiling or trying to block out his parents cruel faces, so he didn’t care. His fingers became numb and the pillow he was holding fell from his grasp as he drifted away from his own mind. 

“Padfoot?” There was a voice coming from somewhere in Sirius’ subconscious but it was far away, too far away to focus on. 

“Sirius. You need to breathe.” 

Hands gripped his shoulders but Sirius barely felt it. It was only when the grip became tighter that Sirius blinked his eyes back open. Instead of the ceiling with endless patterns, he was greeted with wide dark eyes staring at him with great concern. 

A gasp escaped his throat as Sirius went to speak, a rush of oxygen filling his lungs and making him dizzy. His eyes were burning, filling with tears as his body fought for more air. Sirius shook his head, not wanting to come back into reality, back into a world that didn’t want him. He just wanted to be free from it. 

“James,” He gasped, as his friend came fully into focus. It was strange to see James without his glasses, Sirius thought, and felt a surge of anxiety at the unfamiliarity. 

“Breathe, mate.” James commanded in soft but firm tone. 

“I can’t—“

“You can. Come on. Follow me.” 

James began breathing deeply, motioning for Sirius to follow suit. It took awhile, but after about twenty minutes, Sirius had calmed down enough to form complete, coherent sentences. 

“I’m sorry, Prongs.” He said, voice sounding wobbly. “I’m sorry that I’m such a mess for you.” 

James shook his head, pulling Sirius into his chest as he spoke. “You’re not a mess, Pads.” 

It could not have been more untrue, but Sirius stayed quiet. He was too exhausted to argue with James and he felt a headache coming on from all the commotion that went on in his shattered mind. The two of them just sat there for a moment, James holding onto Sirius as the longer haired boy sagged into his chest. Eventually, James felt the heavy weight against him as his friend finally gave into sleep. He sighed, gathering Sirius up into his arms and placing him back into bed before crawling in right next to him. 

James watched Sirius a moment, making sure that the boy was breathing and sleeping soundly before finally drifting off as well, the thoughts of how to protect Sirius following him into his dreams. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading. kudos and comments are always appreciated  
> come chat with me on tumblr @xomarauders


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